I wish I could say that everything comes easy. I wish I could say that all things go well. But deep down inside us all, we all know the truth. We all know how tough life truly is. Some of us know at a younger age or in a more violent manner. Whether it's right or wrong, it's the way the world is. We always want to believe that we're strong and that we're invincible. But the truth is we will always be frail. We will always be prey of our fears. It's the honesty we have for each other and ourselves that enables us to look past the fear and the pain.
The reason I say this is that I have made incredible strides over the last few years. 2 1/2 years ago I nearly committed suicide. Today I'm healthy and moving towards a promising future. Years ago I was so afraid and so hurt I wanted to run away unto death. Now I'm slowly fighting myself and make myself better.
My exterior is one of a culture I grew up in. I'm always forthcoming of my upbringing. I hide nothing to the fact that I'm from the Philadelphia area. I've come to understand and love a lot of that culture. I'm a smart mouth. I'm a fast talker. I'm a trash talker. I have a cynical sense of humor. I try to be realistic about everything.
Underneath all of that bravado, when I look at myself in the mirror everyday, I see a truly vulnerable person. I have lots of hurtful scars that I know I live with. Through that mirror I can see every wound. I see every gaping whole inside me that runs deep. Every piece of my that does not fully heal. And the truth is, it will never fully heal. I always know it will be there. As much as I want to put it behind me, I know there will never be an escape. On the outside I'm an adult. Inside me, the child still remains bound and tortured knowing it can never be free.
This piece is not meant to scare people. But I'm writing this as a venting session. I've been pent up and fearful recently. And I need to express it. Unfortunately, expressing it has not been as easy as I've hoped. I feel better as I finish this piece. But I have been down and withdrawn the last few days. Maybe this venting will help me out of this new shell.
